


Axis

by Lady Belarvs (fightthosefairies)



Category: The L Word
Genre: Cheating, Darkfic, F/F, Hate Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-03
Updated: 2013-07-03
Packaged: 2017-12-17 13:13:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/867936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fightthosefairies/pseuds/Lady%20Belarvs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two moments.  Two people.  Shared demons.</p><p>More experimental stream-of-consciousness from me!  Eek!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Spoiled

This is what I could have had...

_bitch_

... someone else – someone else here, with me, tonight...

_notyounotyounotyounevereverevereveryou_

pound of flesh... flesh pounding flesh... I take it out on your skin and your trashy young Hollywood startlet outlet clothes and all of you... all of you...

is something that I can learn to hate.

That I do hate.

For you pushing her away. Taking her from me before I even had a chance to say it.

_...say the words..._

you can't ever know...

what you've done  
what I've done  
what we mean

but not you  
not _**ever you**_.

I don't want to have to explain myself.

_don't make me say it again... **shut up**_

I don't have to explain myself to you.... _nevernevernevernever..._

You don't belong here. You don't deserve this.

I don't want to hear excuses.  
I don't want to hear your lies. _about how she wanted (tokissspreadfucklick) you_  
I don't want to know that she might have liked how you touched her  
if the sight of your breasts made her **smile**  
if she wanted you

_Don't say another a word... and **don't** say her name... you're not allowed. You haven't done anything to earn that._

You're pleading with me to listen, to hear your side, but I don't want to hear your side. I know your side. I was on your side, once. You were just never on mine. 

_Stupid... stupidstupid... so stupid, you don't even know what you've done... what you've ruined... what you've taken from me..._

_I'm in love... I'm madly in love..._

_you don't even know what you've done_

Where have you been? What do you know? 

_I've been here. Where were you?_

_You're not sorry. All you're sorry about is that you got **caught**._

_trash._

_Don't lie... you never wanted her the way I do... you never loved her the way I do... you never saw..._

halogen-white flame, licking fingers, sinking their teeth in and bringing pain

_so I have some pain for **you**_

I could have had this... with someone I love

I don't want to see your eyes  
I don't want to look into your face and have the thought hit me that this same face is one you made with her, when she was...

_when she was_

before she ever had a chance... to be mine  
untouched  
and still true

these are the lips I could have kissed _that tasted like her cigarettes_  
these are the eyes I could have gazed into _and seen entire galaxies inside_  
this is the skin I could have touched _and know my silk sheets were like sandpaper in comparison_

All these moments blend together and I'm blind _overwhelmed by so much information,_  
so many memories  
blinded by them like flares of sun on my retinas

I wish that I could pretend that there wasn't this thing, here, between us  
but I feel it pushing against my shoulders – shoving me back against the wall and making me face it  
face this

_she's where I needed to be_  
where I belong  
and now I don't know what home is supposed to feel like anymore 

_I've never been in love_

I've never been in love

_and now I never will be_


	2. Low

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane's turn: what was going through *her* head during the bathroom scene in 6x07?

It's not about you.

It's not about her.

It's not even about me, really.

Or, at least, I wish it wasn't about me.

I hate it when you talk. Just shut up. Shut your mouth and let me fuck you. 

This isn't about you. I don't care about _you_.

I'd never say it to your face, but then, I'm pretty sure you already know. Even as stupid as you are, you _have_ to know.

_She comes around my way – I said hey now, hey now..._

Get your hands off. I never said you could touch me. 

Stop trying to make it seem like you give a shit about me. You only care about me as long as it takes for me to get you off. That suits me just fine. It's a good arrangement we have. Why make it more complicated than this? It is what it is.

I hate the sound of your voice in my ears. I hate the sight of you looking at me with those dewy girl starlet eyes. I never hated anything before this and now it's all I can feel. At least it's something. 

Puking my guts up and all you could do was hand me a paper towel and make sure I hadn't given you anything before you ran out on me. As I was heaving and gasping, all I could think was that I hoped I _had_ given you something. That some little dark part of me remained on your tongue and traveled down into your stomach and would work its way into your blood stream to contaminate that sunny disposition and make it a little murkier. 

I want to crush that little part of you that thinks I could ever care – that your little dopey puppy act could ever make me love someone like you.

I hate how you kiss. I hate how you gasp and reach for me. 

Nobody ever said this was about you.

Hand up underneath the designer dress, yanking your panties down and I can feel how much you want me. I know you like it this way. 

_She likes the songs I play – I said hey now, hey now..._

Funny how such a sweet little girl like you likes it so rough. That's okay. I like being rough. It makes this easier. Makes it easier to keep from losing my stomach again.

Grab your shoulder, shove you face-first against the partition. Stay there. I don't want you looking at me, now. Just seeing your face makes me feel sick. 

My hand hard between your legs and you're moaning – moaning for me. Like it matters. Like this means anything. 

I want to break you. I want to see you cry. Not in that pretend, pretty way - the actress way - but the real way. Where it's not part of some scene. 

I never wanted to hurt anyone before this, but right now, it feels like the only thing I've ever wanted. 

At least it's something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gathering together a lot of my fics from various fandoms written under various pseudonyms that have been scattered all over the internet for years. This is one of those fics.


End file.
